An Offering to First Time Mothers
Handpicked readers share their wisdom
Ten years ago this month, I found myself chest-deep the newborn stage with my tiny little firstborn, marveling at her every movement and crying a lot, wondering who let me be in charge of this baby.
Nothing can truly prepare you for a newborn, but this Deep Dive is my love letter to the first-timer. A homemade collection of help from mothers I trust, handed down gently, with the caveat that it will only map out the tip of the iceberg.
Wisdom from Handpicked Mothers
10 moms share words of advice on trust, saying yes, and your one job.
“At my baby shower, the only thing I asked for was books and advice. A woman I admired wrote on her advice card, “Don’t listen to advice.” She followed up afterwards to elaborate. She said to trust your instincts, because you’re their mom. Not your neighbor, not your mom, not your MIL—you. They just need you and what you think is best. It was honestly some of the best advice I’ve ever been given, not just for motherhood, but also for life.
—Amanda Jane J., mother of 3
“My one word of advice would be that one cannot spoil a child with genuine love and sincere expressions of warmth.”
—Susan P., mother of 4
“When I was expecting my first, a girlfriend of mine wrote the following in the card on her baby shower gift: “You know best. Trust yourself.” It was the most empowering and true thing I’ve ever heard about motherhood. Especially as a first-time mom, you will encounter advice whiplash, and will constantly wonder if you’re doing it ‘right.’ Right is a moving target — deeply personal and dependent on countless conditions, about which no one but you knows a thing. Why would you ask someone else for directions if they have no idea where you’re going? Trust yourself.”
—Jen S., mother of 2
“Keep a dated journal (or notes app!) of tiny magical things your kids say or do (keep it going, the middle school gems await you!). Know how to say sorry. Take really good care of yourself, both to model what that looks like & to avoid burnout. Have go-to things that bring connection when you’re feeling disconnected (aka, when your kids are being wild): a walk, a dance party, would you rather questions, a popsicle. Don’t let go of a hug first.”
—Lexie H., mother of 4
“I think one of the most intimidating parts of motherhood for myself and many of my friends is the fear that you’ll lose your own identity or sense of self. Being a mother is certainly demanding and challenging in ways that I never could have imagined. But also, one of the most important lessons I’ve learned is just how adaptable children are if you give them the opportunity to be. For me, that might be something as simple as staying out past naptime on a Saturday so I can meet up with a friend and realizing ‘oh yeah, the world didn’t come to an end just because he had a short nap in the stroller!’ Jude is constantly surprising me — and each time, it’s such a joy.”
—Aliza S., mother of 1
“These kids were sent to you, so trust your instinct and intuition above all!”
—Abi A., mother of 3
“Your job is just to keep yourself and your baby alive. So do what makes that easiest and best for both of you.”
—Heather W., mother of 6
“Once, when my girls were 5 months and 18 months old (needless to say, I was barely keeping my head above water) my mom told me simply: “Raising a child is like digging the Grand Canyon.” Those words sank deep that day, and they’ve echoed in my heart ever since. The Grand Canyon— so vast and such a wonder— felt like a very apt analogy indeed. One shovelful at a time. One push on the swing, story told, dinner served, worry calmed at a time. Keeping the Grand Canyon in mind helps when both overwhelm and/or monotony set in.”
—Sarah H., mother of 3
“Aim for yes. I have two sons, and ever since they were little, they’ve asked me a million times if they can do wacky things. “Can I wear my shirt in the bath?” “Can I mix milk and water?” “Can I sleep upside down in bed?” Sometimes my knee-jerk reaction is to say no, but then I realize these funny requests didn’t harm anyone and delight them endlessly. So, why not? My parenting philosophy has become “aim for yes,” and I still love seeing the creative things they come up with.”
—Joanna G., mother of 2
“I would tell myself as a first time mom: you can trust yourself!”
—Rachel G., mother of 3
Buy some Depends. Chase your meds with prune juice. Don’t go for a walk. Do sit on the porch. Nourish yourself. Formula is a gift that will help keep your baby alive, not an F on your motherhood report card (which doesn’t exist). Scroll your camera roll, not an app. When you don’t know what to do, ask yourself, “What would the best mom I know do here?” Care for the needs of this hour, not the needs you think will come up in eight hours or three years. Lean on your husband. Take so many photos and videos. You cannot spoil a newborn.
—Alex, mother of 4
A Handpicked Baby Registry
After four babies and ten years, I’ve bought, borrowed, and donated so much baby gear. Here’s the short list of stuff I think is really worth it in the earliest days.
Baby carrier. My Solly wrap made me feel like a human. It was the only way I could do “normal” life (chores, groceries, church, etc), especially with subsequent children. I had one baby who wouldn’t nap anywhere but the Solly wrap for a spell. For longer carries, Ergobaby Omni 360 is a great investment, especially for my big chubby boys who like(d) facing outward and have to come along on big-kid outings like hikes and Disneyland, plus you can use it until age three-ish. Nate wears it a lot!
Somewhere safe to set the baby. My newborns wanted to be cozy more than anything! The Snuggle Me Organic lounger was extremely helpful when I needed to safely set them down for a few minutes to shower, make a sandwich, etc. Sometimes they’d fall asleep in it during the day when I could watch over them. You’ll probably only use it for about 8-10 weeks, but it’s so worth it. Pass it on to a friend and then use this bouncer.
Basket of supplies x3. Get a small basket; fill it with Lansinoh nursing pads, diapers, wipes, cloth diapers for spit up, your water bottle, a swaddle, and pacifiers. Keep one on the couch, one by your bed, and one by the crib — then you/ your husband won’t have to get up a million times when you need something. Repeat after me: for the first month, we SIT.
Haakaa manual breast pump. If you’re breastfeeding and low on milk like I was, every drop counts, and this is an affordable and genius tool for conserving milk on the side you’re not currently nursing on. I was able to freeze milk and stretch it out longer for Mick, who only nursed for about a month. (I also hated pumping, but this did not feel like pumping at all.)
Bobbie formula. My babies wouldn’t have survived on my milk alone (a very hard reality for me). Of the several formulas I tried over the years, Bobbie is the one I truly feel good about for two reasons: the ingredients and the community. Once, I found myself down to one can, so I messaged the Bobbie mom group, and within an hour another mom (a mile away) had four cans at the ready for me. Extra bonus of formula: Nate got to help feed my newborn babies. Very special.
KickeePants Pajamas. The Kickee Zipper Footies are the creme de la creme of baby pj’s. They’re buttery soft and come in a million cute colors and prints. And, like all fathers, Nate’s nemesis is snap-up baby clothing; the zipper makes diaper changes and cord care so much easier.
Animal pacifier. With respect and adherence to all the medical advice and cultural wisdom on pacifiers, I’ll just say how insanely useful these silly little things are, especially when it’s 2 am and you’re trying to go back to bed for the second time; you pass the baby and his enormous unloseable pacifier to his father and you sleep.
Uppababy Vista stroller. For ten years I have sung the praises of this vehicle. Easy to push with one hand, giant basket underneath, converts to a double, fits through doorways. Great customer service, too. Three of my four kids literally slept in its bassinet next to my bed — not the crib — for their first three months. With Charlie, they had redesigned it so the bassinet couldn’t stand on its own on the floor, so I parked the stroller by my bed! I LOVE THIS THING. (Pretty easy to find a used one, too!)
Books. No such thing as starting too early, especially with books that cannot break and books you loved as a child.
The best thing you can give your baby cannot be purchased. It’s just you — in all your earnestness, your shortcomings, your willing heart, your thrill, your effort, your truth, your presence.
Do you have a piece of wisdom that guided your entry to motherhood? What got you through the newborn stage?
PS: The story of Mick’s birth, a nursing poem, and when newborns get big.
“Scroll your camera roll, not an app” was something I very much needed to hear, even as a mom of multiples. What a beautiful collection, Alex! I’ll be sending over all my mama friends to this post.
This was the best motherhood advice. I found myself saying "YES" to so much of it as a new mom myself, and even walking away with some advice to take along with me for baby number 2 due this fall. Thanks for sharing!